november 28, 2005

you told me a goodbye kiss would be disrespected with tongues, but i wanted to memorialize the moment. i wanted to bite away your cheek with the teeth of plath. plath's first suicide attempt was on an august 24th. august 24th is my birthday.

here she pressed her fingertips against her heavy eyes.

are you being sinister? are you being sinister or am i? sinisterly. spinsterly. i'll die a spinster. i'll die a spinster with a cat at my feet. i'll die with black boots on. i'll die knitting a sweater. domestically woman. a woman makes a house. i'll die an old maid. maid. maiden. french maid. i'll die a french maid. i'll dye a french maid. i'll dye the french plaid. i'll make a wench mad. i'll... lady thou dost protest too much. lady keep your mouth shut. farm girls, are you being sinister? are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke? joke about the weather. joke about how you love me or how you don't love me. my heart is black. my heart is not black my heart is shattered. my soul is black. my soul is not black my soul is shattered. into a million little pieces. a million tiny pieces. a million trillion itsy bitsy pieces. a house curls around a woman like parentheses. your mouth your mouth your mouth

the glass maker blows glass for a living. the glass maker when making my heart let one breath go too long and it shattered there on his floor. "here is your heart" he said. "but my heart, it is shattered," i said. "yes, but still it is yours," he said as he began sweeping.

florida, a year ago.

that was a moment. sitting in a chair set in the middle of a scattered room. the window to my right was open. large and open. and there ws a tree. a grapefruit tree. a grapefruit tree pregnant with yellow orbs pulling down branches. weighing down branches. you were gone. you were gone and i was alone sitting in a chair in the middle of your father's scattered house staring out an open window at a grapefruit tree. there was an urgency. there was an urgency and a breath of anticipation. when would you be back how long would you be gone. i wanted to be in the perfect place when you returned. i wanted you to find me in the perfect place. i wanted you to find me, staring at a grapefruit tree.

november 1, 2005

what is the matter?

it rained for 7 hours tonight.

it has rained.

i found a strand of white hair towards the front of my face.

same as mom's.