january 30, 2006

when i am in a crowded elevator i mentally calculate the combined weight of everyone there and nervously look at the max weight posted above the panel of buttons and that woman weighs at least 250 and that man he's quite tall so he's probably heavier than he looks and i shouldn't have had that extra roll at dinner and will the cables hold will we fall please let the door open please get me to the fifth floor.

and then sometimes at night i lie in bed and think about the combined weight of the world's population and it must be so heavy and the sun straining to hold us in with her gravitational fingers and what if she cant can't do it anymore, what if we just slip right from her sweaty gravitational palm and roll off the tip of her gravitational pinkie and tumble and scream and fall. and then i have to shut my eyes tight because i feel dizzy and everything is too big and i cant do this i just can't do this i'm too scared

january 30, 2006

work was fun. all they had me do was:

-open boxes of new books
-check and approve invoices
-cart the books
-watched Millennium searches and OCLC exports
-apply detector stickers to marked books
-apply date due slips
-apply library stamps
-check for call numbers on title pages

very simple and monotonous, but fun to see and touch (and smell!) the new books before anyone else. they haven't really decided what all my responsibilities are going to be. there's also another new student worker i'll be working with named Kari (?). met him today. also i have my own two desk drawers with a key (which i think i lost already...). and there was birthday cake.

tonight class 5-8 and tomorrow is 10-3 work, class 6-8.

adam was gone when i got home. i think he is going to fayetteville to stay with jake while my parents are visiting. a break will be good (i tell myself). i think it is good that he is gone the week before my period. i am crazy.

i am so insane, so clingy, so jealous, so suspicious. even more so the week before.

but now the house feels empty...

i'm happy my parents are coming. i can't wait to see their faces and smell their home smell and hug them and feel comforted and cared for and spoiled. but for now it is all wait, wait, wait...

january 30, 2006

january 30, 2006

my first day at the library is today. small 3 hr 10-1 shift.

also my mom and dad are coming up for a visit.

and adam is leaving (for a little while?)

i kind of hate things about the internet.

january 26, 2006

i got a small job in the acquisitions department at the university library. it pays next to nothing, but it is good and much needed experience.

january 17, 2006

i'm now in south carolina.

we arrived here december 15th, moving into my little victorian half a house amidst arguments in the rain.

i've begun my masters in library science.

i had an interview with the University library. today they called me back. they have narrowed it down to two people of which i am one. my second interview is tomorrow.

adam and i are "in love" (?) but arguing because i am an obscenely jealous bitch and i don't know how to stop. i want to stop. how do i stop this constant just wanting him all to myself. how? it makes me crazy, it is no way to live, it is pushing him away.