may 30, 2006

amazon's 4 for 3 sale

got:
the little prince
songs of leonard cohen cd
the dreamers dvd
the virgin suicides dvd

for under $25

yesterday i spent $90 on two pairs of jeans and a shirt.

also three lives by gertrude stein and bust magazine at barnes and noble.

i suppose it is retail therapy, no? i am really only trying to get out of the house because it is so empty with him gone. i am trying to keep myself occupied with movies and shopping and work work work.

it is worst in the mornings.

may 12, 2007

there was blood in my urine at the gym. it freaked me out so i left right away.

trainer lady deborah was giving me a hard time that i left after 30 mins since i usually stay 2 hrs. i only got 2.75 miles in.

i think it's just a UTI though. luckily i have antibiotics that the dr. prescribed me for reoccurances.

but, you know, just something else.

may 11, 2006

i have done the shelving.

i have successfully fielded four reference questions.
(today has been my first ref experience ever.)

now i clog pages with my journal entries until it is time to close.

the med school library has 24 hr access. i have to stay until 10.

i am the only staff member here after 5.

there is a lot of time for the internet.

may 11, 2006

i sent daniel a text before work because i had to get it out to someone but i couldn't handle talking on the phone and speaking it. my brother is my only friend really. i have no friends, i have noone that is there for me outside of my family except for adam. it will be hard dealing with this, but mostly it will be hard dealing with this alone. i have no friends here. i am meeting people through work, but it is not yet enough to pull me along.

i am a bad friend.

i am difficult to talk to i am quiet i am awkward i can never think of anything to say. also the friends i have had i have not kept. i am too much in my own world. i speak in awkward pauses. i have nothing to say! it does not come.

i told him it's different for me than it is for you.

i have more to lose i said.

no matter how much i looked up at the ceiling and batted my eyes i could not stop. at work now i have a crying headache and my eyes feel swollenly tired.

daniel called. it is his thinking that if we need a break now we will need a break later and a break is not good. a break will not be productive.

i don't know.

it has been a long shift.

may 11, 2006

adam and i may be breaking up. we might be breaking up. may be. i don't know. he wants to take a break for three months while he is in portland. two months. three months. does taking a break work? have you ever successfully taken a break? is taking a break the prelude to breaking up?

does he want to see other girls are we going to see other people? i want to know the RULES. i ask him for the RULES and he tells me i suppose that is part of it and my heart just breaks breaks breaks because he wants to take a break and he wants to take a break like this.

he does not want to talk to me. he does not want to talk to me while he is away.

i disgust him with my questions. he said "you disgust me with these questions." i'm sorry i can't stop asking you. this is me being desperate. this is my heart hurting. this is me losing you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry because i am also disgusting myself. i disgust myself by clinging to you, by clinging to you each time you attempt to leave me. clinging to the you who doesn't want to be with me, it is disgusting.

may 9, 2006

my first semester is over. i have A's and i have one B as a result of a horrible group project in a class that i otherwise had all A's in. group projects are horrible horrible things. one class has not posted grades yet.

gertrude stein! gertrude stein's ida is written in the language of my heart and happy sadness tender parts if they were able to speak. i picked up how to write this afternoon before leaving the library after my shift.

there are people walking around my porch making me nervous.

i have been running for the past 2 months now. mostly at the gym but a few times around the neighborhood. i also got the complete book of running before leaving work. adam and i also bought bikes. i have a purple bike.

last weekend i made shrimp jamabalaya from my cooking light cookbook. it was good, i didn't think it would be since i am somewhat particular and very critical toward "louisiana" dishes, but it was and we finished the pot in two days. adam surprisingly had four or so bowls despite his aversions to onions, bell pepper, and other such veggies. the cookbook is recommended, everything from it has turned out to be pretty good.

new kitty still has no name. adam sometimes calls her nipsy russell since she has very pointy nipples. she has gotten fat! she is always eating, eating, or begging to be eating, eating whatever you are eating. she is sweet and never scratches or bites when she is tired of you. a very patient kitty.